Marriage Counseling & Psychotherapy
Woodland Hills, CA and Beverly Hills
Dr. David Gorton, Ph.D.
Improve Your Communication Skills
The purpose of communicating is to impart information accurately from one person to another. More marriages and friendships fail due to faulty communication patterns which are barriers to understanding. The same can be said for business relationships from top-level management on down. Conflict resolution especially requires effective communication.
Communications can be verbal or non-verbal or both. The most effective communications are both intellectual and emotional --- both words and the expression of feelings convey information to the listener.
If a communication is intellectual only it comes across dry and detached. On the other hand, if they communication is only emotional it is often confusing, in that sometimes we're not quite sure what the emotion is and often we won't know what it is in reaction to.
Here are two examples of the same story told in two different ways --- you decide which one is the most engaging:
Story number one:
"I got up this morning at 6 a.m., had breakfast, drove to work on the freeway, did my work and came home."
Story number two:
"I got up this morning at 6 a.m. and felt a little anxious, I wasn't sure why. I ate breakfast but didn't butter my toast enough and, boy, was it dry, yuck. Then on my way to work this guy cut me off on the freeway and I was angry at him --- I shouted and shook my fist. Then when I was pulling up to my office building I realized why I had been anxious earlier in the morning --- I hadn't finished the dreaded report I was to present at the afternoon meeting. Driving home that evening I breathed a sigh of relief that I had successfully completed the report in time. "
Notice that this story, number two, not only expresses emotions, but also goes into many more details, thus giving the communication more dimension and "flavor."
Listening
Good communication skills involve the ability not only to listen, but also to let the other person know that you have heard them. It is not enough to simply say "I hear you." It is important to have the skills to let them know that you heard them intellectually and emotionally --- and to feed this back to them. This is referred to as "active listening" and I will illustrate. Here are two examples of being "listen to" --- which one would think more satisfying to the speaker.
The situation is that Mary is in her office and is looking for some files missing from her filing cabinet. She suspects coworkers have borrowed them but have not returned them. She goes to her boss to complain:
Boss number one: "I hear you, Mary. Let me help you find those files." He escorts Mary to her coworkers offices until all the missing files are gathered up and returned.
Boss number two: "Boy, that sounds pretty upsetting that people are so inconsiderate of you --- sounds like it makes you a little angry. I don't blame you, I would be, too.
The reaction of boss number two is more satisfying, because Mary has been heard. Even though boss number one provided a solution, Mary was not really listened to. And boss number one is patronizing her, as if she is not smart enough to have figured out the solution on her own. People most want to be heard and acknowledged.
How To Communicate With Your Children
When communicating of course you would have to speak the language of the person you are speaking with. So what is the language of children? Let me illustrate this by giving you two examples --- the situation is that your young child is about to run across the street without holding your hand:
Example number one: the parent says "No, no, no, you can't run across the street by yourself. You might get hit by a car and then an ambulance would take you to a hospital. Now we wouldn't want that would we?"
Example number two: the parent says "oh, don't run across the street by yourself --- that scares mommy (or daddy) --- I'm afraid you might get a big boo-boo."
Now, which communication is best designed to make the child understand? Yes it is example number two, because in example number one intellectual communication is used which requires a cognitive understanding first, that a car might hit you (and why would anyone do that) second, what an ambulance is. And third, what a hospital is, and so on.
In example number two, on the other hand, the language is emotional. When children are born, their emotions are 100% functioning --- almost all babies cry upon birth and also show fear by the "startle response". Their brains, though, are barely developed and in fact take up to the mid--20s to fully develop.
So emotions are the language the children understand best.
If you would like to learn more about how to effectively communicate, please call me for a free, confidential phone consultation at (818) 347-2633.
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Dr. David Gorton, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist & Marriage and Family Therapist
Lic. No. MFC7027
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